Ask Max Monday: Can I Keep Them?

Dear Max, the Man Thing and the Woman Thing and all the spawn things left a few days ago, and the Man Thing’s brother is staying here to feed us and play with us and scoop our litter boxes out. He brought his girlfriend with him, which is fine because we like her. But things are very different right now. When we ask for treats, we get them. When we meow by our plates, we get stinky goodness. Our litterbox gets scooped *as soon as we use it* and we don’t have to deal with a dirty one *at all.*

So tell me, Max, how do we get the Man Thing and the Woman thing and the spawn to just stay on vacation forever? Because this is working for us!

Dood. (Doodette?) Clearly this is an ideal situation, but you have to think it all the way through. Your Man’s brother and girlfriend are likely basking in the glow of doing the things to each other that people often do, and it’s extra basking-like because they’re doing those things in someone else’s house. Plus, you’re all probably so cute they can’t help but want to pretend you’re their offspring, and they want to indulge you.

But think about it…how long can they keep it up? What will they do when faced with the slightly less pleasant aspects of being feline staff? Sure, they scoop a mean box, but being as awesome as you are, I’m sure you poop rainbows and pee sunshine, so that’s not a real hardship.

Before deciding to figure out how to keep your people on permanent vacation, there are a few things you must do while the brother and girlfriend are there.

You must test them.

Test them well.

First, hack up a hairball on the floor by the bed right where you know a foot will hit first thing in the morning. And while they’re busy being all grossed out and moaning about how wet and cold and horrible that felt as it smooshed between their giant people toes, jump into the bed and hock one up right in the middle of it.

Get your sibling(s) in on this too. You must make sure they have the mettle to be sufficient caregivers all while keeping the standards they have introduced you to.

Someone needs to poop in inappropriate places. I suggest the initial bomb be dropped in the bathtub where it’s easily cleaned up. If they don’t seem too bothered, up the game and poop on a pillow. And then the kitchen sink.

Sing to them like Lionel Ritchie. All night long.

And most of all…something of theirs must be treated to a toothy death. Something they obviously like. Pick your target and nom the bejeebers out of it.

If they weather the onslaught and still treat you so well and seem to still like you, then we’ll figure out how to get your people to stay away. But dood, I really think that in the end, you’ll see how good you have it with your regular people, even if you’re not getting treats on demand.

4 thoughts on “Ask Max Monday: Can I Keep Them?

  1. Yup, ya gotta test ’em good. Take our nefew, he’s good at treats, red dot, scooping and making sure we haf fresh foods and water, but, he freaks out when Speedy eats a bug and poops skwirty and he won’t clean up barf until it’s all dried up and he can suck it up wif da VACUUM MONSTER! We hate dat thing and wif him here we hafta hide from it a couple times a day…

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